Cat Conspiracy Theories: Blue’s Suspicions

Hi, I’m Amanda! Read my introduction to learn more about me and Blue, my fluffy fire point Himalayan-Persian cat.

If I had to guess, Blue has crafted a few conspiracy-like theories about me and our household. I suspect this because she watches me all day, making sure to uproot her place of napping to be in the same room, and between her moments of shut-eye, her brain is unraveling or formulating what she may view as plots against her. Like most cats, I would presume, Blue is not just a passive observer— she makes it her business to gather intel on any moves made within our household quietly.

Blue’s Top Conspiracy Theories:

Here are the most prevalent theories I have decoded:

1. Humans Secretly Watch Us for Their Own Entertainment

Whether this is theory or fact is debatable, but in addition to being our most cherished companions, our pets usually deliver when it comes to comedy. Check any pet-based YouTube channels or social pages, and it would be nearly impossible not to run across humans posting about behavior from their dog, guinea pig, bird, or cat that had them genuinely belly-laughing. Many people invest in home cameras to check in on what their doting pets get up to during the day or have their phones ready in case a silly moment strikes.

Blue’s life is either remarkably composed or just too predictable for me to catch her acting out of the norm. She’s either cool as a cucumber or impressively calculated. The more I try to capture her on film, the less likely she is to do anything camera-worthy. However, I could create a thousand-page picture memoir of her sleeping and cleaning herself. I do think she knows that I am innocently attempting to document her every move, which makes her a little suspicious of me these days. A real-life Truman Show.

2. “Petting” Is a Mind Control Experiment

Another that could be argued as fact. The more affection we give our cats, whatever that may look like, and always on their terms, the more likely they are to bond with us. No one likes to be love-bombed or bombarded with unwanted attention. However, learning your kitty’s love language can be a game-changer for your relationship. So perhaps petting is experimental. Do you think cats have love languages? Physical touch, acts of service, words of af-fur-mation?

Blue is eager to accept pets that come in all forms. She even enjoys a butt pat from time to time. One minute, she is entranced by it all, and the next, she bites your hand as if wanting to break away from the mind control she’s been put under.

3. Humans Time Cat Naps for Maximum Productivity

Blue, most days, can be found sleeping in her favorite spots, curled up in a ball. These are the times I must have strategically scheduled for her, because my productivity revolves around her and her naps (as if I don’t have human children). These hours of daylight were timed according to my cat’s availability. However, she often likes to go off the cuff to request my immediate attention despite it. She believes I’ve got some hidden agenda, and refusing her strategic naps foils my plans.

3. The “Food” We Give Her Is Part of a Larger Psychological Test

Food is never just food to Blue. I am convinced that she believes every meal is a carefully calculated experiment in which she’s being tested for some unknown reason. First, she knows that she gets a portion of wet food with her dry kibble, and if either is missing, the meal is incomplete. Each breakfast and dinner should be a balanced source of crunchy teeth cleaners and a spoonful of pâté for hydration. Without one or the other, it is as though she has been deeply wronged. This is not an experiment, though; sadly, we sometimes fall victim to poor planning and run out. Eventually, she succumbs to hunger and eats whatever has been provided.

Secondly, she thinks she can dictate the time she gets to eat and acts as though we have cruelly pushed back her meal time when we put her off a little longer. Her rotation is predictable—the same, day after day. We do not give in to her pleas because that would cause a ripple in the schedule. Maybe we are trying to sharpen her internal alarm clock so it alerts her at the proper time. Otherwise, no wild psychological test is being performed here.

4. Humans Have a Hidden Agenda With the Litter Box

If you’re along for Blue’s journey here on Hepper, you’ve read about her litter box and free-range urination woes. My thoughts on this conspiracy are that she knows that we know and track what’s being scooped out of her litter box each day. As if we keep a physical log, pun not intended, of the number of samples that are removed. Maybe not quite to that extreme, but I have to admit my husband and I add these mental notes to our daily conversations to ensure that she is using her litter box as we intended. A secret code that prevents her from finding new and exciting places to do a wee. At this point, our intentions with this process are less “hidden agenda” and more “public knowledge.”

Am I reading too much into it? Is she cataloging all of the moves I make as I do hers? Hmm… maybe. A question for another day, I suppose. Until then, the conspiracy saga continues.